The Guv'nor - The man reaching critical mass of coolness.

April 18th 2010

April 8th 2010

April 2nd 2010

March 20th 2010

March 15th 2010

November 2nd 2008

This is turning into a real nightmare to write as the crystal ball predictions keep fulfilling themselves, and the fickle finger of fate continues to point at the club.  It seems as though an individual can do what he wants and when, without fear of retribution from anyone in authority.  I refer to the recent signing of one of our players to another club, who then comes along and signs on for us too, which results in the two clubs and the league coming to loggerheads.  Meanwhile Mr two faced continues to play rugby and doesn't get so much as a slap on the wrist, what kind of punishment is that?  Some people need to sort themselves out and it's certainly got nothing to do with us!

There shall be no more penning of team members names or positions, as there seems to have been a great number of people who are increasingly taking Mogadon in order to dodge playing rugby.  This is resulting in players having sleep periods in excess of six hours, where upon they are unable to open their eyelids or even get their torso's from under the duvet!  In bygone days the club secretary and I also knew of such periods of sleep, which were more commonly known to us as Death!  Also as the weather has taken a turn for the worse, got wetter, somewhat colder and darker earlier, which has resulted in players going into states of semi-hibernation. 

This means that they are unable to leave their dwellings on the only night when the coach has proposed to have training, on the more positive side we will have a good quiz team when it comes to answering questions on Emmerdale, East-Enders and Corrie.  I personally am so thick that I cannot understand why we are not winning games, Doh! A slightly belated personal greeting goes out to Graham "the chinmeister" Charlesworth who recently signed for the Fax, come on folks you remember him, not good enough to play at a higher level etc, nice one Chinny! 

There is also a mention for our very own webmaster Sharky, whose appearance on Gordon Ramsey-live did about as much good for our sponsors and club, as did Brand and Ross for the BBC.  There is currently an internal investigation regarding this matter and my understanding is that heads will roll for this embarrassing fiasco, as long as they don't allow Sharky and his cookie crew to roll said heads in flour, things might just work out all right! More sarcasm from my luscious laptop next month.

Regards. Guv.

October 12th 2008

June 7th 2008

April 28th 2008

Well it took most of the season and it was said that it was always there, congratulations to all those who took part in our last game of the season and won away to Thornhill! To be fair our opposition did not overload their side with Conference players or so they claimed, but again the team stood up to the plate and got the much deserved win.

Two major injuries in the first five minutes left our veteran Andy Charlesworth as the last sub standing, his reward was to recieve a dead leg a few minutes after that and having to leave the field of play. This left the team down to the bare bones of 13 men to play the remaining 70 minutes, with the opposition thundering down the slope and sensing any easy kill. The whole game was a little dire to watch, I think the stat's revealed the scrum count in excess of 30 plus.

At least the official was half decent and didn't listen to the opposition touchline, who called for everything close to their line. The last minute of the game was like being at Old Trafford and we were just waiting for the try to go over and hear the shrill of the final whistle, but the lads stuck to the task to run out winners 20 - 24.

As that foreign gadger is once claimed to have said, "Mr Thornhill, your guys took one hell of a bloody beating!" I will admit that when I woke up we were pulling into Dewsbury Hospital to pick up our injured, but hey that's rugby!

Guv.

April 28th 2008

Well another season draws to a close just one final fixture away, from what has probably been our worst season to date; depending on where your looking from. The list of results sure does not read too well, just four wins all season and one of those scratched due to the team folding. If things go as they have for most of the season we will end up second from bottom, technically we can still be caught and it's always tempting fate to start shouting the odds now. Barring some strange shuffling we should remain in this division and other, again forces greater than ours control our destiny and we will have to take what is given.

Coach Mickey Dewhirst has done a great job under very difficult circumstances this season, with variations with those who have trained, played, not turned up or simply moved on for whatever reason. The team has been different every week with a small hardcore of never say die players, who have given their all for the club and stuck at it. There have been the usual excuses for not turning up at whatever, as usual some genuine and others I dare not comment upon without using expletives.

The younger end of the club have performed well above expectation and hopefully if they stick together can only get better. Most of these guys are only tiny compared to some of the bigger, older and more experienced opposition they have faced this season and in most cases they have stood up well and just got on with it. The two easy comparisons here are firstly at home to Ovenden, where the whole team stood up to the plate and gained a well earned win in our local derby.

The second against a mostly oversized and overloaded team at Stanningley last weekend, who rolled over us pretty easily with a big pack and some good handling. Again with most of our pack out as it has been for the last couple of months or so, our scratch side put in a reasonable performance under very difficult circumstances. We are still chipping away on the development front, an architect has been appointed and initial plans have been drawn for the new changing facility.

We are having a junior festival on the 17th May, hopefully this will be a big boost to developing a junior set up. This day is being run in with the help of our local service area who have been a tremendous help, forging school club links and training children that fall into our catchment area. A big thank you also has to go to Awards for All who have provided the funding for all of this, including training staff and buying much need equipment. I am getting to the stage now where there is at least one meeting a week and the e-mail contacts are starting to rise rapidly, sure doesn't help when your printer packs up (slight hint here to our Treasurer, who will no doubt have his ear protectors in.)

Once again we find ourselves homeless as the Prospect Inn has closed down, we have packed our nomadic tents and moved back to the Lock Stock as the curse of the Terriers continues. With the death clock now ticking again has anyone noticed that there are only two pubs still open in Boothtown, beware the Dutchman!

Guv.

March 12th 2008

Greetings readers, welcome to my latest update. We have now officially upgraded our seasons points tally to four, with a hard ground out win at home against Morley on the 3rd. This was a different Morley team than played Ovenden the week before, level at half time before buckling early in the second half.

This time they played for the full 80 and we did not turn up the heat enough, to win by a bigger margin. Still well done guys, a win's a win however you get it. The clock is against us now for survival in the division, have we left it too late or will fate throw us a life-line? I still believe that we are good enough to stay where we are, if we can keep some of these youngsters and the bigger poachers keep away. Having said that the better one's will move on and there will be others to replace them.

It's nice to know that we are turning out some quality players, that are capable of playing at a higher level (although a coach at Ovenden thinks otherwise). We gave others a chance to get their name on our Handicap Cup and have a well earned mid-week break in the process, by not playing the thinking mans game at Stainland last week. Coming up the hill in the 1st half, we played some good stuff and led 8-6 at half time.

The handicap now left us19 points off the mark and all we had to do was play it ugly, kick them to death going down the hill, wait for the mistakes and pick up the crumbs. Instead we decided to show them what a bit of rough and tough was about, returning their favor from the 1st half, powering it down the middle letting the limbs do the work instead of the wind. At first it seemed to gain some success as the gap narrowed down to nine points, but as the weather got worse and so did our handling. We missed a hat full of chances and golden opportunities and were left frustrated as th

e clock ran out, as did our chance of retaining the trophy for another year. Anyone wishing to make a donation to the "let's buy Stainland some more footballs appeal" please contact them direct. All quiet on the development front at this time, although we are currently wading our way through a very long winded application form right now. Just to take a break from the norm the last two meetings have been at our houses and not the pub, but we did managed to sly a few beers into things here and there just as tradition demands!

Guv.

February 24th 2008

Greetings readers, welcome back to the land that time forgot. The last time I wrote a piece for this site, fuel for my motor was less than £2 a gallon and beer cost less than £1 a pint! Even our webmaster had hair upon his napper and was keeping the site up to date, then he pricked his finger on a spinning wheel and fell into a deep sleep.... Now it's all systems go, should anyone know the identity of Prince Charming, please contact the Daily Sport in the first instance.

Still no victories on the field to speak about, close but no jelly babies and still down almost as far down as we can go. The team would do well on Blackpool Pleasure Beach, 'cos they've certainly put the frighteners on a few teams as well as our supporters, a real roller coaster performance every week! I would personally like to see a full strength Terriers outfit perform once in a while, bet the coach would too. There's always a different team out every week, with a variety of excuses for not being able to play or attend the games.

Well done to the hardcore who keep plugging away and are let down by a tiny minority, despite our results we have managed to fulfill all our league fixtures to date. That in itself is no mean feat, with a few die hard "has been's" constantly filling the odd spots to make up the team, well done to you all! We continue to plug away with our development and have until June to spend our A4A monies.

Our development plan is being updated and we plod on towards building a new changing facility. A new piece of interior plumbing has recently been added inside the changing rooms, we are now able to slop out leaking roof water with a bucket. Just one slight improvement and some for now dry internal walls, the only building I know that has internal guttering as one of it's main features (grade none listed) We are on the look-out for another half decent steel container, 20 or 40 foot, preferably with a lock box. Anyone knowing of one going begging, please get in touch and we can make arrangements.

Regards.

Guv.

December 9th 2007

Warm welcome to those of you with nothing better to do than to read this drivel, isn't Carnation Street on the box about now? Well another month has gone by and we still have mixed fortunes with our results. The team is starting to gel quite well now and things are looking a little brighter for the future. A good win a few weeks ago and we thought that we'd cracked it, only trouble was that we did such a number on the opposition that they promply decided to fold! This promptly halved our total points haul to date and still leaves us struggling down in the depths of the division. Another plus was our outstanding perfomance against our local rivals last week, when instead of cowering down and rolling over, we took the fight to them.

Apparantly some of their first teamers don't travel too well, or the mini bus broke down again (Christ and I thought that I was a little wet behind the ears!) anyway they had decided to stay behind for the annual Boothtown bashing, but this time the sand was kicked back in their faces. We even managed to rattle a few ex-pro's feathers or was it his feather duster he was waving? Going down eventually by only twelve points, we showed some true fighting spirit. Even the influential and always contraversial Captain Peacock found it difficult to spoil the party, but managed it anyway!

Club development plods wearily on and I am finding that as one door opens, another sixty three are slammed in our faces but we must keep on trying. The two local schools will be having some new years training down at the local leisure centre on the 3rd January. This will be funded by ourselves from our development monies, secured earlier this year. We are still looking for some people to get off their butts and give us a hand with the next stage of our building project, thanks here to the only other willing helper who has shown his commitment to date.

Deliah Smith has been seen around the Prospect Inn, come on guys let's be 'avin you! As the festive season will soon be upon us, I will give you all an early present and stop writing now. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to you reader, wouldn't you rather be pulling your teeth out?

Guv.

November 7th 2007

Well at this time the team still only have the one win and things aren't looking too good right now. There's a lot of hard work going on down at the training ground, but tackle bags and shields don't hit back like the opposition. The team looked quite good last Saturday in patches, and with 20mins to go and only 8-4 down; was that a light at the end of the tunnel?

Then either the wheels fell off or the mogadon kicked in, we managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, finally losing 26-4. There is rumour control that the dark destroyer is soon to be unleashed into the public domain; perhaps this could be the key to turn the lock? Keep at it lads, we are going to get there!

Development continues slowly at this time, we have a school club link and a couple of willing volunteers on cp courses. Michael Dewhirst has one final days training on his level two course, whilst Amy Stoker attends a level one at the start of December (good luck Amy!) The search for the Holy Grail of funding continues, some believe it grows on trees or that greatness will be bestowed upon us, time to think again folks.

Our very own special one attended last Sundays meeting and informed the disciples as to what sacrifices must be made in order to move on, now we will see who's going to stand up and be counted! Instead of reading this column in order to fall asleep, try all the latest jokes at stillnotfunny.com as written by our very own PR guru! More juicy tit bits soon, keep the razors sharp.

Guv.

September 2007

Greetings readers! Welcome to another season of rugby league, this is my first piece since February this year. We have been promised an update of the site within the week, so the digits are taking some exercise on the keyboard. A lot has happened within the club since last I wrote, so here are the highlights and the juicy bits, as told by myself. Last season ended with us finishing in our highest position to date and winning the Handicap Cup.

Two of our most promising players decided to leave us and move to a local rival side. Our top try scorer for the past two seasons was one of them, and cynics stated that the only reason he scored so many was because he was playing down in division two. Since the guy has stepped up a couple of divisions, he is still rattling in the tries (believe it's seven in four to date) let's hear you bitch about him now! We also had a retirement of another senior player, who is still around the club and has itchy feet as he stands on the touchline. Another couple of players must have been abducted by aliens, because they disappeared without a trace and have not been seen since.

This left the club looking as though we would be struggling at the start of the new season, going into July things were not looking too good. Fortunately as we progressed into August, things picked up somewhat and we picked up several new players, most of them youngsters. Our first game of the new campaign saw only seven of last season's team on the sheet, but they managed to win away from home. This has been followed by two losses at home, there is a lot of individual talent within the squad and once the coach finds the right blend, the team will do well.

Stay tuned as we rise from the meteoric depths of the division, later in the season! On the development front our treatment plant has been installed, along with two thunder boxes in the changing rooms. At just over 13 grand, these must be the most expensive crappers in the North of England, but the plant deals with all the sewerage and the area smells much better now. We now look to the second phase of our project, new changing rooms.

There was also a bonus when we managed to secure a grant from A4A, for training up members towards starting a junior set up. Things are progressing slowly at this time but we are busy getting people to where they want to be and spending the funding. Well wasn't that exciting? Read the most wrist slashing column on the web, right here with the guv'nor (batteries not included!)

December 17th 2006

Well it's that time of year again, bags of ho ho ho and all that jargon with a bit of the bah humbug too for that matter! Things have all but ground to a halt as we enter the festive period, the local area is to be surveyed and we still await some form of communication from Yorkshire Water.

On the field the team is doing pretty well, although cracks are starting to appear within the squad. Good wins away at Rotherham and at home to Emley and York, have been followed by defeats to Elland and Stanningley. Whilst the defeat by Elland came as no surprise, as the superstars crawled out of the woodwork for a spot of Boothtown bashing. Our defeat at Stanningley might have been a shock to most of those who follow our beautiful game but it wasn't to me.

After much back stabbing of individuals and the club in general, the knife was finally rammed home Thursday night when we actually put pen to paper to transfer the Judas to Greetland. We started the day with our usual piss poor "I can't be bothered" syndrome, note this "we" does not include the backroom staff. By ten to one yesterday the coach was struggling to pick a side, as the usual phone calls failed to materialise and the bodies on the ground looked paper-thin.

Finally the odds and ends turned up and we set off late to the game, from there the rest is history. Well done and a big thank you to all those who put the effort in yesterday, your commitment is undoubted. Congratulations to the opposition, who drove hard and strong all day, backed up well and simply blew us off the field. Of course the 14th man did his bit and didn't help us one iota but the writing was on the wall from early doors. Some of you out there need to get your act together and have a word with yourselves; "commitment" is a good starter here!

A similar scenario ensued the same evening as the same hardcore did their bit for the Xmas draw, well at least some of us had a good night. Most folk made the effort and donned some form of fancy dress; there were more trannies than a Ford garage on display! A few unfortunate souls thought that the Prospect Inn would be a good place for a quiet drink on a Saturday night, they could not have been more wrong! Once again thank you to all who put in the effort and appearance to make it another night to remember.

Well that's enough of the bah humbug for now, if the cap fits wear it! Just to show that the old Grinch sometimes does feel all toasty inside, although I'm not leaking; Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all, wherever you are!

Guv.

06/11/06

It's time for another little snippet from the real world, as one door opens another two close! Just as we thought we had crossed the finishing line with the digester, the rat from the non-existent sewer has raised its ugly little head to the surface and is trying to take my grant with it! Not that the contractor and I have spent the best part of six years trying to find the said hole and even after Britannia dug half the road up in an attempt to find it. Mr Jobsworth and his colleagues still insist that it is there and we should connect to it, doh! I can sure see Yorkshire Water spending thousands of pounds on our behalf; just so little old us can connect to the mains sewerage (not.) Hey Jobsworth, wake up and smell the coffee! Still what will be, will be, bring back the thunderbox say I!

Another interesting race night was held the other week, just to raise a few bob for the new building project and a good night was had by most. The first race turned into a fiasco as the odds on favourite romped home by a country mile, it was only then that it was realised that there were eight sixes in the pack; what made matters worse that Rob the bookie was in charge of the stewards enquiry and the result stood! We almost had a riot on our hands as Rob counted his vast profits with a cheesy grin; furious punters were looking for a lynching. This brought home memories of burning crosses and I duly headed for the door. The Guv'nor cruised over the line by two lengths in the fourth race and I duly accepted a bottle of wine in the winners' enclosure, talk about taking coals to Newcastle! The said bottle duly skulked its way into the cellar at The Prospect; next to appear as a glittering prize at the Christmas Draw! For once the night ended early instead of the last time when we vacated around 5.30 am (alleged.) This was not before yours truly managed to rock the table and spill the beer, which was on it.

As usual it turned out the only drink which got spilled was my own full pint, expensive drinking at £4 a pint (think about it!) Well that just about wraps it up for now, just time for a passing comment about the team. Beat Drig 'A' in the cup, nothing to shout about there against a division four side; well done to the drig lads who kept it going right to the end. Won a super victory at Newsome the other week, won't be many teams who go there and win. Our Darren Dewhirst decided to try the Newsome back therapy treatment and our Kevin Smith was blinded (temporarily until he took his hands away from his face, which restored light to the pupils.) He and Chinny pulled off some fine try savers, especially the latter as the opponent thought he was home and dry. Just as he was about to celebrate the try of the season, his ankles were whipped away and his dignity with it as he hobbled off injured.

Quite surprised that there were not more injuries in this game, as the Newsome players tested out their own brand of self defence skills and wrestling moves; all nicely seen over by Kent Walton in the middle, who started the count as yet another forearm smash was landed in front of him. I used to pay good money to watch that kind of stuff in the 70's, all this for free and a ringside seat too! Another bonus was the snap back at the pub, fat git here had both meals; if that's how they feed them up there then a little human flesh on the menu must be a tasty extra!

Least said about the Ackworth game, the better. Even David Brent didn't have days as bad as this one. We were right in it up until half time, when some pillock put my mogadon in the water and sent the team to sleep for the second half. To say we got our backsides slapped is an understatement, we just seemed to stand back and admire the show. Thanks for giving us a lesson in rugby league; Kenny Mc Cluskey can consider himself off my Christmas card list!

Guv.

08/10/06.

Hello Readers, well it's back to reality and onward and upward to the job in hand. At this time Hull face the Saints in the final after a well deserved victory last Friday night, nice to see the technology catch up with the Bulls; shame about human error, but that's life. Good match to watch, hope the final is better. Have just witnessed the Rovers beat the Vikings, why is it that the officials for any big game always appear to be below standard? Unlucky Vikings but I think the best team won on the day.

A little info on our development and progress to date, my favourite saying here is "I'm always in the sh***, it's only the depth that varies." On a positive note we have managed to secure a grant, which will enable us to install a self-contained treatment plant for sewerage, this will enable us to install proper toilets and comply with environmental health issues.

A big thanks you to the Community Foundation of Halifax for supporting us and to Gil Esjymonnt and Muppet at V-AC for their valuable support. There now looms the daunting prospect of raising funding for the new facility, any sugar daddies out there with a spare 100k? We will shortly carry out a survey of the local residents to see what they want for Ellen-Royd, let's hope they don't deem it fit for a toxic waste dump or worse!

12th September '06.

Since my last script I have flown over some major piles and slid under many a door, all with my top hat on of course! A brief account of the happenings as I have seen them from the horse's mouth. Twickenham was another "best ever" and I honestly think we were better entertainment than the match itself. The main highlight of the weekend for me was to see those with more money than sense, leave us behind at the newly re-vamped Generator International Hotel for the Saturday evening. After the compulsory tour of the local speakeasies, it was back to the Generator for the all night rave (well at least until 2am.) It was quite apparent that the staff at the same has a completely new approach to those of whom had consumed a little too much of the amber nectar. This was to escort them to their rooms and put them to bed, checking up on them after 15 minutes or so to ensure that they were comfortable.

This seemed to affect the younger one's more than us old duffers, for some strange reason. After failing to storm the stage and being put to bed to boot, it was left to us geriatrics to put the Boothtown Massive firmly back in pole position. With Zimmer frames to the fore and many a grinding hipbone, us old gits showed the backpacker of the world what a Darby and Joan rave up is all about! I have never heard " Who the **** are the Boothtown Massive?" spoken in so many different accents! Hearing that the night was about to draw to a close and glasses of Steradent were now the order of the day, us giffers gladly mounted the Stannah stair lifts upwards. As the warders handed out the Mogadon and the young studs slept on, the wrinklies mounted one last assault. This was onto the rooftop plaza of Stalag Luft 13 into the chill out zone, with our next-door neighbours with whom we shared some fine wine and intimate conversation.

This lasted for about an hour or so, until we were caught in the cross glare of two searchlights and we were forced back into the luxurious surroundings of our Nissan-Huts. The journey home proved to be a bit of a bind, it didn't help that Charlie was reading from a 1918 Michelin map, which he had found in his demob suit. It took us two hours to get out of the Smoke, another one for a bogey and spew break and another three until we met the end of the motorway. Then we descended into the Yorkshire mizzle and we knew we were back in blighty, well at least the beers good at the Prospect. Great to see the team off to a flying start with two good wins, let's hope it will continue. Mick has worked the team hard since taking over, all seem to be enjoying the hard training and it is obvious that we are reaping the rewards. Also good to see some new faces in the team, especially in the pack where Simon Jeavons and Paddy Dolan are already having an impact ;(in more ways than one. Finally a big thank you to all those who attended Connors funeral last Friday representing the club. All our love and best wishes are with the Graham family at this time.

17th August 2006:

Hi, Guv'nor here, if you've not taken your mogodon yet read on. Let me introduce you to my life as jack-of-all-trades and master of none! Working upwards from the easy life of Groundsperson, which allows me to draw wonky lines on the field and to cut the playing field. Onto match days when I am the “cuts man” whom repairs bone and sinew, also joining the baying crowd in a spot of “What me sir? Never said a word!” Next into the world of the Secretary's number two and sidekick, where there are funds to be raised, many a dodgy handshake and a spot of blackballing (alleged.) Finally we get to the top where it's meeting opened, yes time for another beer break and eventually we've been here for fifteen minutes meeting closed, see you all next month!

Life is sure different and varied in many ways, now I know what a chameleon feels like. I have the vision to see how high the bullshit's piled and fly over it, the stealth to see when the door is closed, put on my top hat and slither under it! My motto is a simple Yorkshire one adapted slightly, “Hear all, see all and say no'wt. If tha's gonna do summat, do it for the Terriers!”

Stay tuned to the Guv'nor for up-to-date building development, latest personal points of view and general verbal sputum; or else!

The Guv'nor